The day after Mothers Day, as I said before my Day was wonderful but today I am feeling, I don't know - something - I think I am angry - I think I am sad...I really can't put my finger on it!! I look back at pictures from Christmas and I see my mother in law - she fought a great fight - I still ask - What happen?? And then the anger sets in!!! I have ALWAYS been very protective of everyone close to my heart. I can blame my siblings, especially my "big" brother for that - he was the one I would run to when I was in trouble - later it was both my big brother and my big sister. They (along with my parents) taught me that family is there for you - no matter how much you mess up - and we (3) messed up - but we all knew there was a brother or a sister that we could turn to at any given moment - night or day - we were there!! Ok - I admit - I did most of the turning looking for my backup - but low and behold - my back was covered!!!
When I was in school I was about the same height I am now - approx. 6 feet tall which is probably why that made me the protector of my friends so, thats what I did, not too many people had the nerve to pass through me - or attempt it, to get to them!! Ask them, they will tell you!!
And now, I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a sister in law, a friend, a co-worker and on and on
And still, I want to protect everyone - ask my kids and any friends who have been "bothered" by someone - I just want protect and make everyone better!!!
So, when I was diagnosed with BC, I thought "oh shit" this is one fight I may not win!! No one could fight this fight for me, no one could stand up and say "back off, thats my sister". No one could make the fear go away and the shield of protection around me was gone!!
My mother in law - Irene, on the other hand was one of the ones who did what she did best to protect me, she would pray for me, she would tell me it would be ok, she would laugh when I would tell her that I told God he BETTER NOT LET THIS GET WORSE!! And for me, it didn't!! (thanks for listening God) Irene was my protector at a time when I knew there was no one who I could turn to to make the bully go away and leave me alone. I think what makes me so angry today is that I could not protect her!! Maybe that is how it was supposed to be - maybe she was done with her protecting and needed to move on and no longer needed protection. I don't know but I like to think that she is still protecting those she loves.
Believe me when I say - I want to kick the crap out of something and make her comeback but I can't.
Cancer won that battle but I have to say this - it wasn't an easy 1 2 3 - Irene was a fighter and she gave it her all - she made cancer think twice about picking on a lady who had been through many battles in her time and she came out a winner - I still believe Irene won - she got what I believe in the long run she wanted. She missed her beloved husband and she wanted to be with God.......and now she is!!
One of the last things I said to Irene was, "it was ok to go...we would be ok"!! And in my heart of hearts, I know we all will be ok!! But right now,I feel like it's not ok - its a passing phase - one of which I have many times a week sometimes many times a day!! It will take time, you would think by now, over 5 months gone by, it would be easier....its not!! I still post on her facebook wall like she's going to reply, do you think they have facebook in Heaven?? I hope she sees my posts and the posts of many others who still hold her dear!!
I am not even her "biological" child but this is the impact she had on my life, can you imagine those who knew her most of their lives?? The impact she must have had on them?? Irene had a very special way about her - she made you feel like you were the only one who mattered in the moments that she spent with you....
I still miss you - I still love you - I will forever be grateful for the years I got to know you and spend time with you and for your protection of me when I thought no one could have my back!!!
Those of you reading this, Irene too, keep smiling!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment